I’ve been thinking a lot about the term “gay awakening” recently and I feel like there’s no exact or consistent definition. Some people use it to mean the person or thing that made them immediately realize they were gay, while others it’s more like the moment that led them down the path to explore their sexuality. The most consistent thing about gay awakenings is that they are usually something either really silly or dumb.
It’s been on my mind a lot lately because one of my friends told me his gay awakening was Handsome Squidward, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I think that is the dumbest one I’ve ever heard, but if you have a dumber one, please let me know.
After some reflection, I came to the conclusion that I don’t one specific person or thing that made me realize I’m a lesbian; it’s more like I had intense fascinations with girls or random things girls did that I look back and realize was just budding gayness all along. I feel like that’s pretty common, and especially if you grew up before being gay was cool, a lot of that shit is just confusing, repressed feelings that you don’t even begin to untangle until years later.
In an effort to examine what a little dyke I was my entire life, I thought long and hard about the inklings of gayness that have been peppered through my entire life. There are some things that I can so easily understand in retrospect was me having a crush, and it was actually a lot of fun to take the time to think it out and reflect on my little gay feelings from the past. I wanna honor those little gay feelings and look back at some of the things that helped me realize I was gay.
So, here are some of the people and very specific circumstances I have to thank for making me realize I was a raging lesbian:
Vanessa Williams as The Queen of Trash in “The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland” (1999)
Starting early here, folks. I was 7 years old in 1999, and I believe this to be the earliest evidence of my lesbianness. Elmo was always my favorite muppet so you already know I was geeked that my homeboy got his own movie. Little did I know, this would be a life-altering adventure for both me and Elmo.
Vanessa Williams plays the Queen of Trash in Grouchland, the netherworld inside of Oscar’s trash can that Elmo tumbles into because he’s a hard-headed toddler who never listens to anybody. The Queen was so nice and sweet to Elmo, and she even sings him a song! This whole situation really had me in a chokehold back in the day. I was so captivated by her voice and beauty, and also just her kindness to Elmo. Really, shout out to the Queen for teaching me that my type is gorgeous Black women with a sultry voice who are nice to my friends.
I know I’ve seen this movie probably 1000 times, both because children rewatch movies indefinitely, but mostly because I was gay as fuck and wanted to watch Vanessa Williams in her Trash Queen costume sing to me. It was over for me right then and there; straightness really never was an option.
Eve’s tiger claw titty tattoos (first spotted on the Ruff Ryders’ First Lady album, 1999)
This one is pretty specific, but I have a lot of memories of seeing this album both in real life and on TV a lot, and my eyes were immediately drawn to the tattoos on Eve’s chest. As a kid, I thought it was soooooo cool that you could even get tattoos there; as an adult, I know it was just a precursor to my love for boobies.
Eve’s music videos were always coming on TV, or maybe I was just locked the fuck in every time I saw her pop up. Just itchin’ for a chance to see them thangs, you feel me? Do y’all know how many times I watched the Who’s That Girl music video? It was on her second album, but probably one of the best visual displays of the tiger tattoos. There’s even a tiger in the video!
Those paw prints were so important to my development as a young lesbian, so you can bet I was glued to the couch the moment the video popped up on 106 & Park. I feel like I’m no longer capable of impartial judgement on what is and isn’t gay because everything is gay by default for me, personally. And rewatching now, that shit is just gay, man.
I really appreciate Eve for being a bad bitch from jump, and always showing the girls. It was really formative to my development.
Salma Hayek as Isabel in “Fools Rush In” (1997; first watched circa 2000-2001)
Salma Hayek and I have the same birthday, which makes this one destiny. I wasn’t sure where to put this chronologically because I for sure didn’t see this film in theaters when it came out; it was just one of those movies that just played all the time on cable which is how I remember seeing it when I was in 3rd or 4th grade.
Back then, I couldn’t tell you what the hell Fools Rush In was even about. All I knew was if I saw on TV Guide it was gonna be on, I was SAT! It barely even registered that anyone else was in it tbh. I did watch it recently for research purposes, and this is actually such a cute film even though it’s about two straight people. Isabel is so hot for the entire movie, and I have vivid memories of zoning out whenever anyone else was on screen because I was just waiting for her to come back.
Carmen from Spy Kids, but specifically when she was dancing in the post-credits scene of Spy Kids 2 (2002)
The Spy Kids franchise is important for many reasons. First of all, it convinced every child of the 2000s that we could be and should be spies. It introduced a ton of fun spy gadgets to the toy market. It showcased Latino culture for children in a way that was cool and genuine. It also had really good post-credit scenes, including the most important one: Carmen singing and dancing on stage in both English and Spanish.
I don’t think I actually had a crush on Carmen prior to seeing this, but when she put on Uncle Machete’s dance belt and started moving her hips, I was like wait what the–!? Really stopped me in my tracks. It was especially confusing because I had already sat through 2 movies with her and had 0 gay feelings, but then this end credits scene came on, and suddenly the gay feelings were everywhere!
I’d like to credit the dance belt in this movie as the first spy gadget made specifically for turning pre-teen girls into lesbians. Thanks for your service.
The principal from Santa Clause 2 (2002)
I’m not even really sure where this one came from, tbh. As a woman lover, I love all women, but I just don’t find myself really attracted to white women. I’ll chalk this one up to 10-year-old baby gay Cheyenne just figuring some shit out.
Really I think what did it for me was that the principal was really mean at the beginning of the movie, and that just did something for me (if you’re my therapist, please do not read into this). She was doing little eyebrow raises and sideways smirks and shit; what can I say, it worked! The Santa Clause 2 isn’t even that good of a movie, and yet here I was watching it on repeat and rewinding the parts where she kisses Santa in the snow because I thought she looked so cute.
Beyoncé doing that drop at the beginning of the Crazy in Love music video, and also when she licks her thumb at the end (2003)
It would be easy to include Beyoncé in general in this list because she’s been turning girls gay for decades, but there are two specific moments that made me do one of those cartoon AWOOOOGA faces.
I wish I could tell you how shook I was the first time I saw her drop so fast at the beginning of the Crazy In Love music video. It was so unexpected! She was already making me weak in the knees with them little ass shorts, then that? Like? How was I NOT gonna end up gay, I ask you?
As I continued watching the video, my latent lesbian powers continued to multiply with each passing moment. This video is just so, so sexy and Beyoncé has so many hot outfits and dance moves. I really think we gotta bring back the booty poppin’ era, like we’re losing so many recipes out here, y’all. I remember watching this for the first time in my grandma’s living room, and I could feel my soul ascend. I swear I could hear Beyoncé faintly say “Cheyenne, you’re a lesbian, and also you’re going to give me thousands of dollars over the course of your lifetime,” and there was just nothing I could do about either of those things.
As if this cosmic revelation weren’t gay enough she ends the video by licking her thumb and dragging it down her body. TWICE.
HELLO!!!!!?!?!??
This music video was created in a lab specifically to turn me into a lesbian. I should’ve waited to include these gifs in this post, because I’m getting so distracted even writing this. I rest my case, and must move on for my own sanity and crumbling mental fortitude. Thank you for making me gay, Beyoncé.
Christina Milian’s “Dip It Low” album cover (2004)
Unlike several other songs I’ve already mentioned, I never actually saw the Dip It Low music video when the song was popular. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling gay about this song anyway.
Y’all remember when they had those CD sample kiosks at the Sam Goody music store and Barnes and Noble and stuff? Me and my friends would spend so much time just listening to the 30 second sample tracks at the store because we were in junior high school and had no money. Shit, I was too young to even know that shoplifting was a thing yet!
Anyways, I remember when Dip It Low had just come out, it had a prime spot at one of the listening stations. The album cover was so giant, and I listened to a short loop of the song on repeat just so I could have a reason to stand in front and stare at Christina Milian in her little blue outfit. Cus why was she looking at me all sexy like that, you know? Like that shit would stop me in my tracks every time!
Jojo in the “Baby It’s You” music video (2004)
I know I said I only had a brief white girl phase, but in my defense the early 2000s were trying to get a lot of these little white girls in the R&B space so I feel like this one doesn’t really count. They had her in big hoop earrings, singing lyrics like “it don’t matter if your car is fly, and your rims are spinnin’ on the side.” Mind you, this was a 14-year-old white girl from Vermont. So we were all a little confused, ok?
They really had my girl running vocals like nobody’s business! Jojo was keeping up and I’ll never forgive the music industry for blacklisting her, or like all the 100 billion war crimes they be doing for some reason.
I think what really got me about this video was that she was at a carnival with her friends, which was an age-appropriate date spot at the time. It made me think about how cool it would be to hold hands with her at a fair or play arcade games and win a stuff animal for her. It felt relatable and fun, and also she had her midriff showing for like half of the video, an early 2000s trend that is also credited with my aforementioned gayness.
Penny/The cheer squad from Sky High (2005)
Sky High is such a great and quintessentially 2000s movie, and I always really appreciated it for showing us new superpowers that hadn’t been done to death by the movies yet. Sure, there was super strength and super speed for the Heroes, but the Sidekicks had the best powers. Turning into a hamster or some goop is really underrated and part of what makes the movie so great.
The other thing that makes this movie great was Penny, the cheerleader who was actually the entire cheer squad because she could duplicate herself. Since she’s the only Black girl in a teen movie from the 2000s, obviously she’s both 1) not in it very much and 2) one of the villains. Back then I didn’t really care about either of those things, and was watching mostly because I thought she was really pretty and I wanted to watch several of her clones jump around in a short skirt. High school wouldn’t come for another few years for me, but I was primed and ready to be helplessly attracted to hot cheerleaders who were mean to me. Thanks, Penny!
Meagan Good as Naomi in “Roll Bounce” (2005)
Having a childhood crush on Meagan Good is actually a legal requirement for Black lesbians my age. She was in all our shows and movies, always playing the sweet girl-next-door character, and that lip gloss was always poppin’!
I feel like my own experience of having a crush on her after seeing this movie perfectly encapsulates what it feels like to grow up and realize you’re gay. I had already seen her in a bunch of other stuff before this, like Cousin Skeeter and her guest starring spots in every early 2000s Black show like Moesha, One on One, My Wife and Kids, y’all know the ones. When she was on these shows, I always liked her a lot and would be super excited for her episodes and wished I knew her in real life because I felt like we would be best friends. But when that Pepsi scene came on?? I felt like my heart was going to beat out my chest in the theater!!! I thought we were best friends in my head, but really we were girlfriends in my head. I had no idea!
As many of us can attest, a lot of being a lesbian involves having crushes on your childhood friends that manifests as this like super intense emotional bond that feels so much like heartbreak when it ends. I think I may have done this parasocially with Meagan Good in Roll Bounce. I was wrecked that she couldn’t skate with me or kiss me at the end of the movie, and even worse she did both those things with a boy. Like ew, girl why? What about me? I thought what we had was special!!!
The “Beautiful Liar” music video (2006)
Of course Beyoncé is on this list twice, and you don’t know me at all if you didn’t anticipate that.
I think Beautiful Liar is such a gorgeous video and not just because it’s 3 and a half minutes of beautiful women belly dancing. It’s crazy that Beyoncé and Shakira look nothing alike, yet they were able to do such cool visual tricks swapping places and looking exactly the same. This video is so awesome, and the camera trickery with their movements, hair, makeup, outfits, and the lighting is really just fun to watch.
But honestly, I think what captivated me the most about this video was that I didn’t know women’s bodies could move like that. I was in my freshman year of high school when I saw this, and it was just so mesmerizing. I made my best friend at the time watch it on her family computer over and over again, so much so that her mom told us to stop. I wonder if she knew I was gay? I kinda wanna ask her tbh.
Ciara in the “Like a Boy” music video (2007)
I think this gay ass music video is a perfect place to end this list. Please for the love of god can you tell me what was Ciara trying to do here if not specifically ensure I was a lesbian? Quickly, please.
This shit gay as hell!!! If I had somehow managed to stay straight this whole time, this music video would’ve been the turning point. It speaks for itself. The gender envy and sexual confusion I had watching this as a freshman in high school can not be overstated. I was wrestling with so many thoughts and realizations for so long after this dropped. Stud Ciara was both everything I wanted, and everything I wanted to be. Her masc and femme self dancing and posing together still might be one of the greatest lesbian love stories I’ve ever seen.
By this point in my life, I was 15 and slowly realizing that I didn’t like boys the way most of my friends did. I was still lying and telling all my friends that my crush went to another school, or I would just pick some random boy when they would ask. I even tried really, really hard to make myself have a crush on Lil Fizz from B2K, who looked kinda like a soft stud back then, so even when I was trying to be straight, I was still being gay.
Right as I was dealing with the societal pressure to act straight to avoid being called slurs in the locker room, Ciara had to go and drop this on me. I was already dealing with a lot, and this just made everything so much more confusing. On one hand, the whole point of the video is her looking and acting “like a boy.” I’d seen tons of boys who looked and acted like she does in the video, and felt nothing. But somehow when Ciara looks and acts like a boy, now all of a sudden I’m feeling heart palpitations? And to complicate things even more, I wanted to look and act like her too, even though we’re both girls???? Shit was not adding up, and I was deep in lesbian confusion hell for months after seeing this video.
And if all that wasn’t gay enough, she had a bunch of dykey back up dancers too.
It was a very perplexing time, and I wouldn’t realize I was a lesbian until I got to college, but I would be remiss not to put this chaotic video in here and thank Ciara for giving me an identity crisis as a teenager.
Shout out to all these music videos, movie characters, and random little things that played their part in turning me into a lesbian. I truly couldn’t have done it without you. The gay agenda is working, guys!
What were some of your gay awakenings? If you’re gay, please let me know yours! If it’s Handsome Squidward, keep that shit to yourself.