For reasons very much known, writing has become very, very difficult for me.
I love my job. I really do. I love the boundless opportunities it’s opened me up to. I love how many skills I’ve gained over these past 10 months. I love my co-workers and our teamwork and how productive and cohesive we are together. I love my work and what I do and what it represents and what it’s given me and what I’ve gained.
What I do not love is how it’s shifted my priorities. I am a very busy person now. I’m important now. I make decisions that affect other people’s lives and jobs, as well as a sizable portion of the local public. Maybe that sounds a bit self-important, but I am now in a position where thousands of people read what I tell them to everyday. I represent something greater than myself now.
So my headspace is different now.
I haven’t published anything on my own website in three months. I have hardly written anything on my own as well. So much of my time is now spent representing something bigger than me and being a voice palatable to the general public. It’s a voice that’s taken months for me to hone, that I’ve barely honed, if we’re being honest.
In the process, I’ve begun to lose my own voice. I don’t write for myself anymore, I write for editors and my team, and eventually for everyone that’s signed up for an email newsletter on a website I meticulously update and maintain. I’m losing my voice.
I am trying.
I’m trying to write for myself more. I’m trying to read more. I’m trying to absorb and produce while I maintain a job I often feel I am not good enough for. Being an adult, reaching my late twenties and feeling my potential slip away as I watch my peers catapult into success doesn’t feel good. So I’m trying. I try.
But I also know that nothing comes without hard work. And I work hard. And I’m going to work harder.
Because I deserve this. I deserve to unleash my potential and reach heights I’ve never even dreamed surmountable. And it won’t come without hard work. I know it won’t.
So, despite being important now, I will be so much more important on the other side of this. I need to work, and put in the time, and put in the effort, and stop feeling like I’m spinning my wheels while people I look up to leap further into a world of success that I can only bear witness to.
I’m trying. It’s been nearly three years since I’ve moved to California. I am slowly climbing the quintessential ladder I built myself in my mind. Slowly. But I’m ready to ascend a little bit quicker now.
One thought on “Trying”
Cheyenne, you are preaching to the choir with this one. And what’s crazy, that world of success you speak of only bearing witness to? *You* are that for me! We watching you!! Your voice has always been powerful and witty and necessary AF, and you’ll find your way back into the groove of things in no time. Ascend!! ❤️